Forgiveness is more than acceptance of the past. It's releasing the unhappiness and pain of the past. When we haven't forgiven, we keep visiting the pain of the past and giving it a home in our hearts right now. And making that pain new is something we are doing to ourselves. Forgiveness seems to be that actual step of choosing joy instead of pain and maybe even being actually glad things happened the way they did. I have not been able to get that far very often, because I am a sad, cranky person in my middle self. My lower self is a happy dancing kid, my higher self is twirling in ecstasy in the deep heavens; my middle self has been trying to figure out how much to blame who, what for. I am finding that it's generally safer to blame hormones, and the way to keep the hormones balanced and happy is to choose to be happy. In a paradoxical way, to accept the past is reliving it, while forgiving releases the past. I know it's all been said before; I haven't ever understood this much of it before. I wanted to really understand forgiveness. I watched part of an online Oprah about forgiveness and there was a beautiful shining woman who said she had forgiven her molester, yes, she would (basically) invite him to her home and wash his feet like Jesus did. I was jealous of her freedom and her smile, and I immediately turned off the program. But I have been asking soul questions about forgiveness ever since. I think I've been confusing forgiveness with an emotion instead of an act of the heart. "Forgive thy brother seventy times seven; turn the other cheek." This is alien advice to the fragile self. And yet. The work of the Spirit is to create balance and joy; for every act of evil, thoughtlessness or meanness, God's will and promise is to bring forth love and joy. Whether I am the victim of meanness or its perpetrator, it is my job then and there to replace it with mercy and love. A new world, a world of loving kindness for all, is created person by person, heart by heart. It begins with each one of us, to do unto others not as we have been done to, but to love as we wish we were loved. There are really no excuses. In a heart filled with love there is no room for hate. As wonderful as it is to feel justified, if I still hurt, it's really by my own choice. As Yoda said, "There is no try, do or don't do." I still wish my heart would be immediately replaced by God's heart. I want to be the flower, not just the seed and stem and bud growing. But that is my reality now. As one flower-in-training to another, I salute you, I wish you sun and rain and joy.
19 May 2012
Forgiveness
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